I went to college to be a Director of Christian Education (DCE). I thought that this sounded like just what I wanted to be. After talking to some fellow DCE majors and some DCEs along the way, I started feeling like I wasn't a good fit. I felt very conflicted in this decision. I had not really thought about being a teacher, but I began wondering if that would be a better fit for me. I knew that I wanted to be in church work, and I was only aware of 3 possibilities, DCE, Lutheran teacher, and Director of Christian Outreach (DCO). Our church body also has Deaconesses, but I was not aware of that at the time.
I remember struggling very much while deciding what to do about my major. This was such a big decision for me. I remember praying a lot. I remember telling God that I had not asked for a sign before, but "it would be really nice if I could have a big neon one right about now." I remember begging God to speak to me.
And I remember silence. No neon sign. No audible voice. Nothing. God was not speaking to me.
I was asking for God to tell me what to do, and I did not know what the answer to my problem was, so obviously, God was being silent, I thought.
I had never been one to think that I heard God speak to me audibly. Frankly, he never has. I don't hear him in my head. I don't hear him in my heart. (Gasp, if you must.)
I do remember thinking things like this:
God hears all prayers.
God answers all prayer.
God's answers are "yes," "no," or "wait."
Being one who hadn't ever memorized
Scripture, I didn't have any to really recall, but I did know these
truths that I'd learned along the way. All of those things are quite
biblical, and they gave me comfort.
It didn't bother me that God didn't
come out and audibly say, "Switch majors. Be a teacher, not a DCE." The
way I figured it was that if I hadn't heard God audibly speak to me
before, I shouldn't concern myself with not hearing him at this point
either.
After several days of wondering what to
do, I went to my adviser, the head of the DCE department. I told him
that I felt that I wasn't a good fit for the DCE program. I explained to
him that I was bothered by "feelings" because I don't feel things and
that it really seemed that others in the program did feel things. He was
quite kind to me, told me that there was nothing wrong with not feeling
things, and signed a piece of paper allowing me to switch my major to
Lutheran Education.
Now, I realize how absolutely absurd it
was that I was looking for a sign or an audible answer from God about
what to do! How immature my faith was!
God loves me very much. He wants what
is best for me, but as for what major I was going to choose, that was up
to me to decide. Had I chosen to believe that God led me to be a
teacher as opposed to a DCE, what would have happened when I dropped out
of school a year and a half later? Would have I wondered why God would
have changed his mind? Would have I questioned God's power or knowledge?
God is always right. So if I was supposed to be a Lutheran school
teacher, then what am I doing being a mom? The potential questions are
many and the answers are confusing unless the answer is that God lets
you have free will and some things are simply for us to choose. Sure,
God gives each of us gifts to use and he wants what is best for us, but
if we are choosing, for example, between taking a job that gives us a
pay cut that would make it impossible to pay for our rent or staying at
the job that we already have and being able to pay our rent, God leaves
it up to us to use our own reason to decide what is best. Maybe that
means finding a way to make the new job work by downsizing or maybe it
means sticking with the old job. No matter what we choose, God is still
with us.
I'm getting better at learning God's
Word so that I can rely on it more. I am memorizing the commandments and
their meanings (my church didn't require this for confirmation, so this
is new to me). As I go about my day, I find that instead of simply
having an inkling that something that I am doing is wrong, I know what
is wrong. I don't feel that God is audibly telling me, "Hey Laura! You
just broke the 8th commandment! (You shall not bear false witness
against your neighbor.)" Instead, the exchange in my head goes something
like this: "Oops. I did not say that in the kindest way possible. The
8th commandment means that "We should fear and love God so that we do
not tell lies about our neighbor, betray him, slander him, or hurt his
reputation, but defend him, speak well of him, and explain everything in
the kindest way." Then I usually think something like this, "Gosh, it
is sure helpful to have these meanings. Otherwise, I totally wouldn't
think about saying things kindly. I would just think that I needed to
not lie. I think it would be helpful if everyone knew these meanings."
Then I ramble on in my head about how maybe I didn't know that I was
breaking the 3rd commandment when I didn't want to go to Bible class
that one day (despising preaching and his word) or whatever other
commandment pops into my head.
I
find the Bible really hard to understand (gasp, again, I know). God's
pretty complex, and I'm learning more and more about him all the time.
Learning the Catechism has been a real blessing to me because as I learn
more about what God's Word says, the better I understand it. Duh,
right? God's Word is there to point us to salvation and life, as it is
written, "These things are written that you may believe that Jesus is
the Christ, the Son of God." Really, that can be applied to the whole
Bible. The Bible isn't there to tell me if I should be a teacher, a DCE,
or a mom. The Bible is there to point me to Christ. (And, yes, it does
tell me to work out my vocation, so in being a mom, I'm doing that, but
this is not a new commandment. This is how Christians live out their
lives. I am saved because of Christ alone.)
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