Perfection

There is something about kids that makes a mother realize how imperfect she is. I think that wanting her children to have the best and realizing that she is not the best is why this imperfection is really so bothering in the case of mothers. It is worse when it is evident to other people.

For example, you let your 2 year old drink 3 juices when you NEVER EVER let her drink any because you really don't like juice but you did it anyways this day because of extenuating circumstances. You notice that the diaper is full because of course she just drank THREE JUICES, so you change the diaper. 30 minutes later you don't think to recheck said diaper because you just changed it, but there is a funny thing about juice. Kids pee out twice as much as they actually drank. So she has an accident. In public. Everyone sees. You can't hide. You can't believe her diaper possibly got that full, but it did. It really did. In a very short amount of time.

And so you realize once again that you aren't perfect. You gave your child a drink that you didn't want her to have in the first place. You didn't pay close enough attention to that pesky diaper. Heck! You want to potty train your child, but you can't because that extenuating circumstance you mentioned has leaky toilets more than half the time and you can't imagine your germaphobic self possibly letting your child pee in a toilet that sits on a floor that was covered with that. And then you realize that she already stood in pee, her own pee, in the middle of a crowded public place. Oh! the irony!


Honestly, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Each night we have the kids recite various commandments. Each night as they recite them and their meanings I realize how much I've done wrong through the course of the day. The fourth commandment gets me every time as I realize that I did not do well enough in my vocation as mother and wife. I put things ahead of what should have been priority. I didn't pay enough attention to them at meal time because I was lonely for my husband so I texted him. I read an historical novel instead of folding that fifth load of laundry, and now I look at that fifth load of laundry and realize that I didn't do my job. I feel guilty and defeated. I told one to put away a hat, a tape dispenser, and pick out books only to find two minutes later that none of these things were done and instead he went back into the bathroom to splash water all over the counter and make his little sister cry over the mess. So I yelled. There just went the fifth commandment as I responded in anger. Over and over and over these commandments I break.

These sins I see in myself can be so burdensome. I hang them over my head and wish that I could redeem myself from doing them over and over and over and over. But I can't and indeed wishing that I could just shows me my sin all the more. I put myself as my own god. Check that first commandment off the list for not fearing, loving and trusting in God above all things because I just put my trust in myself.

Days like today, long days where more went wrong than went right I recall a conversation I had with my dear husband during our first year of marriage. We didn't have kids to show me my sins, but I was still very aware of them. {You know, the devil is happy to work that way. He is happy to let one person be oblivious of sin and never realize that a Savior is needed and let another see lots of sins in himself and let him wallow in them in despair. Both roads lead to the same place: oneself as one's god.} My dear husband looked at the laundry list of things I said I wasn't doing perfectly and, as a normal person would do, said something to the effect of, "Do your job and this won't be a problem." No, he wasn't so rude about it, but that was the gist of the statement. He also asked me if I was praying about things. My response? "Yes, but not enough. I don't pray enough and when I do my prayers aren't good enough."

He was amazed. It was as if I'd never heard the Gospel. It was as if I didn't know. And he said, "Laura. You've been baptized. Christ's gifts for you have been given to you already. Look to your baptism and know that your sins are forgiven. You don't have to do everything just right. Christ did. And you got that gift of forgiveness when you were baptized. It was given to you."

And so, I'm imperfect. My house isn't as tidy as it should be. I fuss at my kids. I'm not a great hostess. I forget my manners. I spend too much of my time worrying about things. But my imperfections don't define me. My baptism does. It defines me as one who is forgiven. And so with that forgiveness in hand, I set out to start another day trying (and many times failing) to do my vocation - to love and serve my neighbor (my husband, my kids, my friends, etc.) knowing that through my various vocations, God serves my neighbors despite my own shortcomings. And those shortcomings? He forgives me of them for the sake of His Son.