Insecurity and Me

I really can't remember a time when I didn't want to grow up to be a mom. While I remember wanting to have certain careers, I never remember feeling like that was my calling. Certain things sounded like they might be fun or rewarding or helpful. When I went to college, I did so to get a degree and thus a job in that field. I honestly thought that that was what I would do. I also thought that I'd meet a wonderful man whom I'd marry and with whom I'd have children.

The path that life went on after meeting David was really quite logical, save for the fact that I didn't finish my degree before marrying him. That might not have been logical, but it was logical that we didn't rack up student loans in the process. I intended to finish school while he finished grad school. Financially, that was not logical at all.

Being a stay at home mom was something that I wanted to do, though I don't think that I really gave it much thought growing up. Being a stay at home mom wasn't on the list of careers that they pass out in school.

It makes sense, in our situation, for me to stay at home with the kids because the cost of day care would be more than my paycheck if I did work because I have no degree. Going back for a degree doesn't make sense because if I did, then who would take care of the kids? I feel like I would be shirking my duties as a stay at home mom by going back to school (probably because I'm really working my dream job). I also don't feel like that is what I should do with my life (again, probably because this is my dream job).

My dream of being married young and having all my kids by the time I'm 30 is coming true. That was a dream that I do remember having, even as young as 14 or 15.

Sometimes it is difficult being a stay at home mom though.

Like when I look at around at other stay at home moms and feel like I don't live up. I know very few that don't have a job of some kind, selling something, providing a service, etc... It is easy for me to feel like I'm shirking my financial responsibilities by not working in some capacity.

When we had our first kid, I chalked up these feelings as ones that stemmed from the transition of me being the main bread winner to David being the sole bread winner. That is probably true because at that time, I knew no other moms because I had just moved to a new area.

Now that I'm four years into the mothering journey I realize that while I sometimes feel the same way, the reasons can change.

It is so easy as a mother to feel like you don't measure up. Somewhere.

I feel like that in a lot of areas, sometimes. It is like they cycle through. Don't play enough with kids, don't cook healthy enough meals, don't spend enough time with spouse, don't clean enough, don't... The list could go on and on and on and on and...

Some issues are easier than others. This one where I want a job but feel like I already have my dream job is tough because it isn't something that I can easily change without giving up a lot in another area.

I really have no solution to this problem I have (feeling like I don't measure up). I suppose it is insecurity. If that is the case, then I figure I should take my own advice and instead of looking for my worth in what I do find my worth in the one who made me of worth.

So instead of my list being like this:
1. Washed multiple loads of laundry
2. Took kids to class
3. Bought groceries
4. Prepared lunch
5. Put together shelf
6. Cleaned up mess box and Styrofoam made all over the house with the help of munchkins
7.....

It should probably look more like this:
1. Christ died for me.
2. Through Christ's death and resurrection, I am made worthy.

If nothing else, the second list is a lot shorter. It isn't always easy for me to remember not to list out my accomplishments (I tend to do that when I want to see where I don't do things good enough), but to list out the accomplishment that actually matters. Good thing that there is forgiveness.