Alexander

Some days I think I could write a Mommy-version of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Sadly, if my morning starts out this way, it is quite likely that I send my daughter off to school having an Alexander kind of day, too.

This morning was no exception. The kids didn't sleep well. David took care of them, so his day didn't get off to an ideal start. A few things went wrong in the first 20 minutes that I was up. The biggest was that I expected to find out how the day was going to go either at breakfast or when I altered my normal routine to make sure that I was brushing my teeth while David was getting ready for the day upstairs so we'd both be in the same place, and he could tell me how the morning was going to work. Sadly, he didn't get the mental memo.

That's the thing about mental memos, no one else knows about them.

When it was time for David to leave for work, I expected the rest of the morning to go like normal. Then, it didn't. He wanted to take Allyssa to school because David, Jr. was sick. Such a nice thing to do, but I didn't know that was the plan, so I wasn't prepared. I made Allyssa quit eating. I rushed her upstairs for hair and teeth brushing. She disobeyed. And that is when her morning shifted.

By the time she left for school with her dad, I wasn't sure if I settled her down enough for a good day at school or not.

And so I spend the rest of the morning being tormented by the words that someone said to me 7 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child, "You are going to be a terrible mother."

Days like today, I think I am. I try to list things in my head to prove that I'm not. It doesn't work out so well. How many brownie points do I get for homemade cookies in the lunch box?

No matter how many positive things I can list, even if I can finagle a way to make the positive side longer than the negative side, in my head the negatives still out weigh the positives. They always do.

I think about my vocation and how many times I break the 4th commandment (Honor your father and your mother.) by not taking care of those that I'm in charge of. I see the damage that is done by my mistakes and condemn myself for each one.

I repent. I know that God forgives me. I've been baptized.

But I have still hurt my neighbor. I think that's the part of sinning that I hate most. Even after you repent, things aren't better. Your neighbor might still feel the effects of your sin. It would hurt less if only I felt the effects, but when my kids and husband do, that really stings.

And so I look forward to the resurrection of the dead on the last day because there will be no more sin. If not for the resurrection, death would win. The hurt that I cause my neighbor would win. In the resurrection, all of this is healed.

And so I set out to try again to love my neighbor the way I ought.